how well do you know your partner?

i've had more than a handful of couples in my office throughout my tenure as a psychologist. fifteen years of work and i've seen it all - couples that don't want to lose that spark, some that don't want to get divorced, lots that want to have more sex, and a few that want to figure out how to leave each other amicably. i learn a lot from working with couples and there is very little that surprises me anymore. But a common theme that shows up with almost all couples? how little most couples actually know each other.

you don’t marry yourself. you marry someone else.

that may sound odd but it's something that I say a lot to the married couples i work with. it stems from observations that each person in the partnership is assuming that their partner thinks, feels, and behaves the same way he or she (or they) does. but you don't marry yourself, or partner up with yourself. you become involved with a completely different human. one who grew up with a completely different set of circumstances and experiences that shaped who they are. and, one who has their own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs. yet couples fall into this trap all the time - assuming that their partner will do things the way they do them, feel things the way they feel them, and think things the way they think them. it accounts for a significant portion of their issues.

what does knowing your partner really look like?

primarily, it looks like asking questions and being open because we are always changing and so are our feelings about things. it also means that we invest in learning more about our partner and put curiosity at the forefront of our conversations. knowing doesn't meant that you have an answer for your partners favorite ice cream flavor, or know their favorite musician, or can rattle off their best high school buddies. knowing is more about understanding what they value, what they struggle with, and where their growth edges are.

so how do you learn more about your partner? you ask.

it’s simple. ask the questions. both the easy ones, "hey, how was work today?", and the hard ones like, "where do you see yourself struggling this year?" when you start conversations focus on your partner, not yourself. Put your phone down while you're talking and truly listen. and start asking yourself questions as well, "what don't I know about my partner and where do I want to learn more?"

in my sessions, i often encourage couples to ask questions of each other that they don't know the answer to and have never explored themselves. looking for some help - start somewhere that’s of interest to you but that makes you a little uncomfortable. (if you need even more help - don’t forget LIGHFBOX). allow yourself to just get creative and curious. and most importantly, don’t stop when answers are unknown. ‘i don’t know,’ is an excellent way to shut down a conversation or potential moment of introspection. don’t let yourself off the hook with those simple three words and don’t let your partner off either.

listen, you can never know everything about a single person - no matter how close you are to them. and yet we can always keep working. the willingness to learn more, truly get to know this person that you are in relation to, and absorb their teachings is key to an open and communicative partnership.