why we compare.
we are bound to compare. our brains enjoy patterns, sequences of similarity, ways of knowing. and comparing is really just participation in organization. it may not feel like this at a conscious level but the truth is when we engage in comparison we are initially looking for another c-word... connection. we want to see that others are “like me”. and yet because of a pre-existing condition that we all struggle with - insecurity (for some BIG and for others SMALL) - we are bound to end up comparing.
the chaos.
if only this act of attempting to connect and experience a sense of belonging left us confident and secure, right? unfortunately, however, comparing normally exacerbates our insecurities rather than squashes them. typically when we compare we move ourselves very quickly into a position of scarcity, that not-good-enough feeling that regularly leads to shame. our head gets flooded with things like, “i’m not involved enough - i’m not fit enough - i'm not a good enough parent/wife/husband/partner/friend/colleague - i’m not doing enough -i’m not handling it all well enough…” the list goes on! and then the shame spiral hits. and we question our value, our worth, our deserving-ness. It's a massive dose of unnecessary internal chaos that can spin us completely off track.
how to stop it.
so how can we stop comparing? especially when social media provides us with the perfect platform, the window into someone else's world that looks so brilliant with color and abundant with success? here are a few key strategies that you can implement.
1. remind yourself where comparison comes from.
when you catch yourself comparing, remember that what you might actually be searching for is connection or belonging. ask yourself, what am I really looking for right now? in LIGHFBOX, that awesome product i developed to help you gain more self-understanding, we have a card that asks about comparison and encourages you to dig deep and search for answers that go beyond the surface. try to get to the root of what insecurity might be at play. and perhaps, instead of continuing down the loop of comparing, call a friend to talk.
2. remember, each person comes with their own set of struggles & successes.
we are all uniquely different but when we engage in comparison, we invisibly eliminate those differences and focus only on what we are looking for - which comes back to bite us. for example, let's say you find yourself down the rabbit hole of fitness accounts on Instagram and inevitably come up thinking, "i'm nowhere near as fit as any of these people. I'm not working out enough." did you keep in mind that, more than likely, those who have accounts with substantial fitness media are perhaps working full-time as a fitness influencer or instructor, while you barely have time to squeeze in 30 minutes each day? or that they were collegiate athletes and you are just trying to figure out how to use a spin bike? we are all in different positions because we all have different lives - which includes our own set of struggles and successes. Remember that a photo is just a snapshot of what someone wants to show you. there are another 23 hours and 58 minutes that surround that one photo.
3. don’t shame yourself for comparing but DO work to change it.
when you find yourself in the comparison zone, don’t be mean to yourself about it. statements like, “Why can’t I just stop?” or “I’m such an idiot for doing this”, aren’t helpful. give yourself compassion. you’re human. it takes work to move away from something and it's essential that we practice change through the lens of being thoughtful and gentle with yourself.
4. put down the devices if it’s making things worse.
ask yourself this question, do I feel better about myself after spending time on social media? or do I feel worse? be honest. REALLY honest. if the answer is the latter, then you already have a quick strategy at your fingertips - put down the devices and disconnect form the social media.
comparison truly can lead to some significant internal chaos but you've got all you need inside of you to turn your head away from the mess and towards better choices. remember, it takes courage to make new choices and shift the attention away from your insecurities and towards your craving for connection. AND, it's so very possible.
