how to ask for what you need.
in my experience as a psychologist over the last decade, i have found many things to be true. one of those things: humans are not very good at communication. undoubtedly, we have made developments in how we can communicate (thank you smart phones and upgraded tech) and the availability of communication (thank you FaceTime and smart watches). but we continue to struggle to find the right words to express what we need or how we feel. And abbreviations in the land of communication (thx 4 u) hasn't helped us any.
we are also very comfortable using only a few particular words to describe how we feel or what we need. annoyed or irritated has become the new substitute for angry. upset is the new sad. great is the new happy. and fine is the new... everything else under the sun. our vernacular is boring and nondescript. and it gives those around you very little to work with in terms of supporting your needs.
so why does it matter?
easy. the accuracy of our communication is important because it will help others help us. When we are unclear in the expression of our own feelings or needs, we put those around us in the position of mind-reading, which is never a good position for anyone to be in. asked by our loved ones, "how was your day?", and our response is typically, "fine". this gives them little information and the proverbial tennis ball of ask me more gets lobbed into their court. which isn't fair to them and, in the end, chips away at the possibility of our own needs getting met.
so how do we communicate better?
step 1. one of the first steps in learning how to communicate more clearly is learning how to accept your own needs. Listen, we've all got needs. The need to be attended to, to feel loved, to desire affection, to have space, and to hear affirmation. And these needs are not only okay to have, they are part of being human!
step 2. the next step, ask yourself what you need or what you would like to express. this step isn't easy because it requires a level of honesty and transparency with yourself. you may need to dig a little deep here and really dive into what your heart, soul, and mind aches for. let's say, for example, that you had a difficult day but your tendency is to withdraw when you feel disheartened. you've learned over time, however, that physical affection helps in those moments. When you stop work and your spouse asks, "you okay?", you may need to step into that position of introspection and before you respond ask, "Hmm... am I okay? What do I actually need right now?" it's not always easy to pause and circle up with yourself around your needs, but it's critical if you're working towards clear communication.
step 3. get vulnerable. Yep. And start getting used to this phrase, "here's what I need from you." the I need part in there might be scary for you and that's normal. that's where most of the vulnerability lies. because when we acknowledge what we need there is uncertainty in whether or not our needs will be met and risk in putting ourselves out there. nevertheless, it's essential to acknowledge your needs and then take the next step by revealing exactly what it is that you need. this applies in personal relationships and business ones as well. "here's what I need from you: a list of essentials for the presentation." or, "here's what I need from you: 30 minutes of space and then an enormous hug accompanied by the words, it'll all be okay." or, "here's what I need from you: to help out with getting dinner ready." or, "here's what I need from you: to understand that i'm angry about the furlough and unsure of the future."
let reflection revive you. the single most important element in communication actually has nothing to do with the person in front of you. It starts with yourself: understanding what you're really feeling, reflecting on what you truly need, and identifying what might help you in the moment.
